Yes, I am back after a long period of “greenery”. By any stroke of genius, it is always very important after two weeks of inactivity to write something that is generally nonsensical to get yourself back into writing stride. Koihime clearly fits the bill with the introduction of two new characters that are hilariously transited well in the world of ecchi anime. Actually, just one, since the other hot-mama Huang Zhong seemed like an one-shot appearance.

Anyway, we have Sun Shang Xiang who is just another word for loli tyrannic bait. I guess it is to cater to those anime fans who likes those annoying loli brats that orders everyone around. I cannot see the fascination for this, but I guess to each his own. It’s just the same reason why I have this love for spunky shoujo characters that no one appreciates that much: aka Kyoko-sama of Skip Beat. You can tell that this entry is a blatant attempt to contain my excitement over Skip Beat!

Rubbish aside, Episode 9 is waiting to be smashed to smithereens once more. How dare they trivialize the rivalry between Xiahou Dun and Guan Yu into mere …jealousy on the bed?

This is a map, and we are going to be like dumb kids in National Treasure. Only less cool

I am quite sure that any generic anime who prides itself as a generic anime will have an episode of treasure hunting, and also an onsen episode for good ol’ fanservice. Koihime realizes that it still has many fetishes to explore, with even more characters to expose. Hence, they decided to do the smartest thing ever: combine these two elements together into a powerful fusion of energy.

Now, pardon my absence for a second as I cry myself into shame on why I am still watching this anime.

I am useless, and I am not scared to show it!

Obviously, the blonde due to the lack of brains, decided that Wen Chou and Yan Liang’s idea is great. Excusing the reality check that a governor should really not go out to find some random treasure, the fact that they are using a map that has A BLOODY HOLE JUST SUSPENDS belief. I guess they are really trying hard to convince us that intelligence is a bane in ecchi series.

Yes, I have scented the smell of cat food. It’s time to hunt it down!

Obviously, on the pretense of relaxing to find an onsen near by, Cao Cao and party are actually hunting down treasure. They are clearly setting up a four-way battle royale to see who will get the treasure first so as to increase their chances of making the Wei Brothel richer and invest in stocks such as goth loli gear and megane fox attires.

Patience, my young Xun Yu. Soon, we will have time to grab Guan Yu for a fivesome (and imagine the horror).

Yes, madam!

Yes, my liege, fivesome will be way too much for my poor puppet hands.

As they do not consider Xiahou Yuan to be attractive enough to be part of the onsen episode, she is left behind to do administrative matters. If this is yet another dig at Xiahou Yuan’s appearance in the Dynasty Warriors series, I rest my case.

I feel the force coming toward me. With two lolis that are bratty and useless respectively, I am screwed.

Since Guan Yu and company are roaming around doing absolutely nothing but goofing around, they found themselves in yet another town. Honestly, I am already wondering if they are going to omit Liu Bei completely from this story since it is going on a very family-friendly plot in terms of violence. Everyone seems to love everyone in this series, despite many annoying traits. I will personally try to kill Sun Shang Xiang at the first instance, so I must admit that the Shu faction really have nerves of steel and stupidity.

For stupidity! For loli-nakedness! For silly fanservice that makes no sense!

Damn you lolis for causing the spring to be out of water

It turns out that the lolis of stupidity and bratty behavior caused a drought in the area, hence resulting in a dysfunctional hot spring. Ok, ok, before I completely praised the developers and producers of this anime for making the Shu faction look as stupid as they ever can be in any Romance of the Three Kingdoms adaptation, it is some fault in the fission line that resulted in the hot spring water being cut off.

So, it is decided that all of them will find a new hot spring for themselves. For great fanservice justice.

It’s time for the battle of Chi Bi, the most revered water battle of all time!

Sun Shang Xiang, being the brat she is, decided to make this a contest. For the life of me, I think that Guan Yu should just get rid of this brat, sell her to the Wu Brothel and make sure you get back Ma Chao who is much cuter and definitely less annoying. I have this burning sensation to make sure that Sun Shang Xiang will be barbequed medium well-done on a roasting pole.

Xiahou Dun, you are hot but I just enjoy that dark smooth hair of Guan Yu.

I like how they somehow fuse in Xiahou Dun’s obvious jealousy over Guan Yu. In the novel, Xiahou Dun was never happy that Guan Yu was given preferred treatment since he considered himself as a close aide of Guan Yu. Their rivalry has been amplified in a few key incidents during the early years of the period, and was a major plot advancement in the relationship between Guan Yu and Cao Cao.

However, since this anime refuses to be serious and still wants to stick to some historical facts, Xiahou Dun is worried that Cao Cao will no longer visit her bed.

Don’t worry, Xiahou Dun, my liang is definitely able to handle all of you at one go.

Proving once again that retards should never hold a map. They think they are playing peep-a-boo.

The famous trio of stupidity (Yuan Shao and dummies incorporated) also arrived in the forest to find this treasure on a map that is not even likely to be authentic. Whatever it is, they started to screw up in generally epic fashions, and I am not even bothered to give you a summary on their stupidity. Attempting to describe it will make my already reduced brain cells pretty much decimated. I will need some major dosage of aspirin to ameliorate my condition.

Insects! Women’s most feared enemy even if you can wield a sword and cut bandits for jokes!

Bear, oh bear, will you bear my children?

On the other hand, our Shu faction women had company. Well, a huge bear. It turns out that it is in fact Zhang Fei’s pet when she was young, only to realize that this huge bear is a wild beast that cannot wait to kick their ass. So, they ran. Ran like bitches. On a side note, while all the girls are working hard to dig for the hot spring, Sun Shang Xiang the bratty bitch is sitting down there bored and doing absolutely nothing.

I do not have an agenda toward women who looked hot, cute and sexy to sit there doing nothing. I don’t even mind if women who are pleasant looking sit there doing nothing. When a bratty loli who annoys the hell out of me sits down doing nothing when everyone else is, I hope she will be disfigured by a scorpion or something.

Yes, scream as much as you want. NO ONE WILL SAVE YOU, PARTICULARLY THIS IRATE BLOGGER!

Why so serious? You will just be sent to the slaughter house for bratty imbeciles.

Eventually, it seems like Yuan Shao and co decided to use Sun Shang Xiang as a hostage, but it seems that the Shu faction is rather reluctant to save her. However, the bear came over and chased down Yuan Shao and co. They flew down a cliff, and Yuan Shao died. Hurray to death. Well, sadly, that is not the case because I really do not know why Yuan Shao the annoying blonde keeps appearing to annoy the shit out of me. They simply fell off the cliff and still survived.

Give me my Lu Bu or Zhang Liao any time. They are at least somewhat interesting compared to the three stooges who are more retarded than Fuuko. Yes, that is a total insult.

When you cross over the yellow river, you are dead.

This is something I have to praise the developers for making me think of a parallelism with the Yellow River that has brought many deaths through its many flooding of the bank. There is often a lot of symbolism when it comes to rivers and deaths. Most should be familiar with the River Styx.

It is said that stupidity breeds luck. I never believe that crap until this episode.

It turns out that her fall brought her to the hot spring, with everyone gathering to go in. They talked about boobs for two minutes and their sleight of hand. I am quite sure for those people who are still watching this anime will enjoy the flowery language of this episode.

How dare you call my boobs small! They are just …nice (That is me talking, if you are wondering)

Zhao Yun also makes an appearance as an masked hentai.

Hardo Yuri!

Do I sound like I am extremely happy with the appearance of Zhuge Liang? If you think I am due to the caption of the first image, you are bloody right. I completely adore this show due to this episode because it has made the side of me where I have this sickened and twisted dislike of the Shu faction extremely happy.

Yes, I am happy. Care to find out why?

P/s: I do not want to make a new entry for this, but I will be missing after the 16th of August for two weeks. There will not be any entries, as I am going off for a forced vacation without Internet. I also apologize for my late replies recently on comments, due to my extremely crazy 10 hour work days for the past two weeks. Case in point: I went to work at 7 am, and only reached home at a whooping 10 pm. Work can kill any interest.

Why are the producers replacing me with ANOTHER DFC? Aren’t they bored with the lack of boobs?

So, Zhao Yun separated from the other two in the party, as she was thinking too much about food (bamboo shoot, a rather delightful delicacy in ancient China). Honestly, I really think it is for the good of Zhao Yun to get rid of these two goons (Guan Yu and Zhang Fei) who are technically unable to do anything but fight when they realize that it’s not some animal or beast that will rape them mentally.

Oh, whatever.

YOU. TOOK. MY. FOOD. (A very carnal sin indeed).

I honestly did not know why they manage to make everyone other than Lu Bu, Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun retarded. I mean, as much as Zhang Fei fulfills her stereotype in the ROTK story, Guan Yu is really just an airhead. Yes, bite me. I have a CARNAL and well-hidden dislikebit of skepticism for the portrayal of the Shu faction compared to the other two in the ROTK novel.

AND. YOU. DID. IT. ON. MY. PERIOD. (I promise never to do this anymore. It’s just so addictive to add periods for fun).

Zhang Fei, Oh no! The most useful member of our party has disappeared!

So, as Zhao Yun is unable to think beyond the fact that her bamboo shoots were stolen by her cute and ridiculously gluttonous partners. After entering a misty forest, they were separated, which is so stereotypical but nothing in this show surprises me any more. Or so, I thought.

It’s ok, Guan Yu. More screen time for us is always good for US!

In the mist, it became hard to see anything and our clumsy Guan Yu found herself spraining her ankle. Obviously, this is not war time because she will be left behind because she is just encumbrance. There is no way to dissuade me that Guan Yu in this series is nothing more than encumbrance. The mist subsided after a while, and Zhang Fei found a house close.

My incarnate is the Seven-tailed fox. In fact, I can conjure the wind.

Guess who they met? Due to the fact that there is likely to have no Liu Bei in this series, we have Guan Yu/Zhang Fei visiting Zhuge Liang thrice in order to persuade him to join. However, before you go on any further, you forgot that this is Koihime that is always ready to piss on you when you think anything more serious than the words, “LOLI power!”

You know, Zhang Fei, I wish I can have a daughter like you. Zhuge Liang is way too boring.

It turns out that our dear loli Zhuge Liang has a case of over-reacting over little things. When a freaking sprain can be a critical condition, then my ability to suspend any cosmic reality is completely undermined. I am also very happy to see Zhuge Liang being a complete overly silly loli, because I think that Zhuge Liang has been given way too much credit in the novel for the Chi Bi battle. For people who are not in the know, The Battle of Chi Bi is one of the most classic battles of all time, a major battle where the Wei faction was greatly damaged by a great counterattack on the sea.

In history, Zhou Yu was the one who masterminded all the strategies and strokes in the great success. However, in ROTK, they seemed to feel that it is better to make the Shu faction look as great as they can be, so they decided to make Zhou Yu fodder for Zhuge Liang. To say that I have been rather slighted by the snub of the novel is a great understatement.

I mean, look at her. She’s cute and she’s hardworking. It’s too common a stereotypical type.

I am really weak. Zhuge Liang, I need to take a dump now!

Once again, it is proven that anime characters that are hardworking and cute lolis usually over-react by making sure that Guan Yu is treated as a terminal creature of sorts. You know that scenario. It is the tear-jerking drama scene where the about-to-die side character that everyone predicted will die eventually finally dies after having his last breath. S/He whimpers around some last wish, and the main character goes GAR over it.

Anyway, speaking nonsense that has nothing to do with this series is my forte. So, what happened is that Sima Hui and Zhuge Liang decided to make Guan Yu look like she broke her leg and did not allow her to move around. Why am I thinking of a rob and rape plot suddenly?

I am sorry. It’s too small, right? (AND it is in the actual speech. Freaking awesome!)

What? We don’t have a basin that is big enough for her butt? That’s impossible!

Anyway, we need to throw in a plot, so the swelling didn’t disappear and Sima Hui instructed Zhuge Liang to find this very rare herb that grows only in a certain place. Please do not mind me, as I start to think about normal Japanese RPGs who asked beginning players to carry out fetch quests like a dog. Zhuge Liang is now relegated to being a fetch-dog.

If that is not awesome, nothing is. Next thing, I want to see Zhuge Liang being a dojikko (clumsy person that is considered to be moe).

Mission accomplished, Master Impz!

Hurray for me! Now, everyone, start going on your moe delight over Zhuge Liang. Yes, Dojikko is so freaking moe and it’s freaking awesome that our beloved supposed smart adviser of the Shu faction is now one of them. Throw in the love for a dojikko please! More compliments of THIS Zhuge Liang means more delight for me, as it completely sounds like an insult to human beings and particularly Zhuge Liang. Dojikko moe is like worshipping retardness: you cannot go lower. Well, technically you can, but you have to like starfish then. Starfish, for your information, has a slimy feel and has poison in its tentacles. Have fun being retarded and in love with such a disgusting creature!

You know, I am getting tired of all this crap. I am a loli, Zhuge Liang is a dojikko and Zhao Yun is a lesbian. What in the holy hell is going on with this Koihime? Oh, and Huang Zhong is now a MILF with breasts that are way too big to be contained by clothes.

Herb, get!

So, it turns out that after some trials and tribulations that are hardly epic level by any standards, Zhuge Liang finally got to the herb and tried to climb a cliff despite being afraid of heights. Standard protocol goes as follows. Fear of height, tries to climb, and has a successful chance of 100% to fall down from the cliff.

Zhuge Liangs keep Fallin’ down the Cliff~

I am a crybaby. HEAR ME ROAR!

Yes, cry more. Your misery is my enjoyment.

Yes, despite carrying your small lame body, I have stolen the attention, Zhuge Liang! I am the better loli!

Due to hax plot, Zhuge Liang is not allowed to have a premature death. That is particularly distressing for me, but yet a relief because it means that I have even more chances to make fun of Zhuge Liang. If you notice, I have not mentioned the history of Zhuge Liang, since this episode has absolutely nothing to do with the history of ROTK or the historical facts.

HERB, GET. I am the awesome loli in this series. Do not forget that, Zhuge Liang!

It’s strange how I swing from hating Zhang Fei the loli for being a really annoying brat to supporting her compared to the supposedly cute, hardworking Dojikko Zhuge Liang. However, think of it as the support of the lesser evil. Compared to Zhang Fei who is merely annoying, Zhuge Liang makes me want to stab her in the guts from the front and back, repeat and rinse for 1000 times, and then run away from moe-loving fanboys who cannot wait to give me the same treatment.

Remember, woman, I am the true red and only good loli in this series. Resign to being second and boring!

Auntie Sima Hui, why do you forsake me? I tried so hard to retrieve this herb for you, my great aunt!

You are just too stereotypically boring, Zhuge Liang.

As expected, Sima Hui asked Guan Yu to bring Zhuge Liang on their journey together, since she has requested to see the world. Sima Hui then blah blah about her experiences during her journey, and that she wished for Zhuge Liang to experience the same things too.

I have finally taken a slot in this series!

And I have taken another step to making fun of you more, loli Zhuge.

All right. Before anyone starts to criticize me as a wimp that has too little hate (compared to the amount of sarcasm for the previous three blog posts on Koihime), I must say that there is a proper reason why the hate is not strong in this one. There’s almost zero fanservice that always helps to push the grade book from a F- to a D+. Admittedly, that is still a big score, but still it’s an improvement. In addition, their ability to make me laugh uncontrollably over the appearance of a certain man above men is canny, and I cannot resist the nervous laughter over the appearance of the tyrant, Dong Zhuo.

Yes, it is that awesomely wrong that I cannot stop laughing at all. Here’s to Episode 5: The first episode without any blatant fanservice. Is this Koihime or the All-ages version of Ren Ai Koihime? For something completely out of point, Hinano is now officially banned from drawing any more Impz fan-art. The more she draws, the more it becomes more ecchi. Soon, she will make a whole set of HCGs of Impz. That, by the way, is fricking scary.

New loli spotted! A weak type even!

Do you want to make a guess who this is? Give yourself three chances before clicking on the spoiler below

Show ▼

 
Ok, the person who made Koihime definitely has a very acquired and wicked sense of humor.

Target found! This loli is good for me harem! WEAK-LOOKING LOLI GET!

You really just want to collect all fetishes into your sick harem. I guess we need a Megane soon.

Obviously, this loli of a tyrant somehow gets herself stuck with three fodder material with generic raging hormones. It’s a major disappointment that they did not even get to touch the rape victim because those freaking cockblockers who wants their all-female harem appears. You should know that these guys are obviously cannon folder when they do not even get to touch Dong Zhuo. Pitiful fools, next time, make sure you touch your victim before making a 1 minute speech about how you will be royally screwed.

We are fodder material because these women prefer donuts than sausages.

FU…

…MOFFU!

This is in fact a foreboding that whenever you ask for a new fetish, you get it. So, let’s wish for a silent-type bishoujo that is super strong. In addition, since most silent-type bishoujos are usually very flat, we make her slightly more endowed.

Of course, the group of officers in Luoyang are getting worried for their loli ruler. I mean since she always wants to run around to be raped by some nondescript soldiers, any bloody officer of this dumb ruler should be worried. Nonetheless Jia Xu is pretty cute with her spectacles and having green hair already makes her great. Yes, this is a fact that all you people should learn, that green-haired anime gals are technically superior. Even if they are whiny, worry warts and bloody bimbotic.

Anyway, Jia Xu was one of the advisors that managed to land a major defeat on Cao Cao during his conquests. Advising Zhang Xiu, Jia Xu was able to make a strategy that totally decimated Cao Cao’s forces in the Battle of Wancheng. It was in fact a very lucky escape for Cao Cao where Cao Ang and Dian Wei, both of which were trusted officers, were killed in one of the most humiliating defeats in his life.

Well, have we seen this before…

So, the loli also known as Dong Zhuo, finally found her way to a town with the help of our three bishoujos who are hell intent on getting a new harem member. They found out that there is in fact a beast that is extremely strong and demanded food for the past few months. Many heroes have tried to fight this beast, but flee in fear.

Of course, since Guan Yu and Zhang Fei are now supposedly female, their female hormones are telling them that it’s typical to scream in fear whenever any slight mention of horror is mentioned. Zhao Yun is the only one with the balls (BEAT ME ON THAT PUN) to agree to the fight.

This is in fact a very interesting way to portray the first meeting of the man among men. For those who have no clue about history, please wait for a bit before I explain it to you.

Good, now that you agree to my charms, JOIN my harem instead. We even have a MEGANE adviser.

So, is this where we will get our next harem member?

So, they decided to go to some random dark forest. I mean, it’s obviously either going to a haunted house (modern horror), a dilapidated temple or a dark forest. There’s really little choice when it comes to anime horror, or at least the lame type.

Higurashi, anyone?

Zhao Yun decided that saying a ghost story is perhaps the best way to relieve some boredom. Of course, since Zhao Yun wanted to have some smexy female skin, the best way to do it is to make those two gals faint before she can have her fun. Sadly, when they eventually fainted, Zhao Yun can scent that the women among women has appeared. SHE has appeared.

Among Horses, the Red Hare. Among Women, there is Lu Bu. Find the wrong word here.

The two weak-willed weenies fainted after seeing the “beast”.

Hands up for those who wants to be the pole now.

If you do not know who Lu Bu is, Lu Bu is considered to be the strongest warrior during the Three Kingdoms Era. He is matchless in battle, and a ROTK incident involved him and a battle with Zhang Fei, Guan Yu and Liu Bei. He was able to evenly match these three warriors that fought him at the same time, hence showing his martial prowess. He also received a horse during the time he killed his foster father (Ding Yuan), named the “Red Hare”. It was a beautiful red-haired mare that was faster than any horse ever seen, wild, untamed and powerful.

HEADS up for those who wants to be THE POLE now.

You coming to lose again, LOL?

Obviously, with only Zhao Yun, Lu Bu easily defeated her with a few slick moves. The next day, the party returned as Zhao Yun convinced the two imbeciles that it is a human. However, Zhao Yun did say that the human is perhaps stronger than a beast.

Hello? This is Lu Bu. He can rival anyone… I mean she.

Ok, I will give you a red dog. In exchange, be mine.

You make a convincing trade. I am bought.

The three Shu generals decide to fight this silent bishoujo type Lu Bu, before the fight is stopped when Dong Zhuo tried to save one of the dogs. After bribing Lu Bu with a red dog keychain (SYMBOLISM FOR RED HARE FTW), they got her to reveal the truth that the offerings were for the abandoned dogs that she was taking care of. Due to her klutzy behavior, she was unable to earn her keep.

PLEASE, CAN WE KEEP HER? I need a silent type bishoujo!

But… But… Zhao Yun gave a better offer and we cannot outbid her!

So, as expected, they have a happy ending blah blah blah. I honestly cannot be bothered with how they conclude things in this show because it is practically nonsense.

I like Megane girls. Even better if they are green haired. I accept your bid.

Hot yuri end for the win. Not.

As Ma Chao realizes that she will be written off the script for a while, before they bring her back to the overall picture of sex, debauchery and utter lies of Koihime, she decided that it is time for another Ma Chao-centric episode, where they discuss about the murder of her father by Cao Cao.

Anyway, before I go on, let me just say that Koihime is hardly at the levels of the fanservice anime (what I call total piece of sexual fanservice crap) Kanokon, but it might just beat the shit out of it if it goes on this journey of sexual exploration of the same-gender. Honestly, why in the holy hell am I blogging this? This is Calawain’s territory out and out, but who cares. I want to talk about my ROTK, while spewing scorn over this series.

So, let’s go on with my partial rant cum (no, not trying to be funny) episodic summary of episode 4 – The Ma Chao vs Cao Cao episode.

Hey, you used too much strength last night! That’s why I am down here!

Ma Chao had a dream about her loli life when she remembers about a battle stance revealing the psyche of the warrior. When she woke up, she realized that Zhao Yun was sprawled on the floor due to her kicking in the bed. While Ma Chao apologized, Zhao Yun said she did something to her as revenge and said that the details were too lurid to be mentioned.

Oh my god. Ok. Let me try to re-affirm my thoughts. The director of this show probably felt that there was little sexual fanservice in the last two episodes during the start. I faithfully feel that the show has a quota on fanservice, and the technical executive was having a huge rage for the apparent lack of fleshy fanservice during the last two episodes. That’s why Zhao Yun had to be explictly lesbian and mention how “she did something to a virgin when she is dead asleep.” Marvelous, now let me clean my ear with antiseptic.

Hey, I didn’t ask you to try so hard when I am sleeping. You sex lesbian fiend!

I am? — Zhao Yun aka the lesbian character in a strictly homogender show.

Anyway, after that, they had some nonsensical talk about blah blah blah that I cannot care less because it has absolutely no relation to any visible plot of any kind. So yea, it is just trying to be cute for the sake of it. Guess what? It’s not cute for me.

Yes, I am so tsundere over this series. Sue me.

Are you thinking what I am thinking, Xun Yu?

I think I am, Cao Cao.

It’s ARMPIT LICKING TIME.

Reimu, anyone? Cao Cao returned back from a raid on the bandits and was victorious. Of course, they have no time to think of new strategies when Cao Cao is freaking raging with her hormones. As the advisers in the series are merely ornaments and an excuse to make lolis appear, Xun Yu is now a whore in the Wei brothel and using her tongue to lick Cao Cao dry. No, I am not trying to be kinky here, but Xun Yu is actually asked to lick the sweat off Cao Cao. That is so not trying to give blatant fanservice.

I am currently recoiling from complete shock and disgust over the degradation of perhaps one of the most scholarly and intelligent advisers in the Wei faction. Now, she is downgraded to merely one of the sexual harem toys of Cao Cao. Good job, fellows. With their writing of the story, due to Cao Cao’s admiration of Guan Yu, Guan Yu will have a sex-filled adventure when she eventually defects to Cao Cao (if they follow the history of Three Kingdoms Era). And for the love of ROTK, armpit licking? That’s pretty low, even for any ecchi show.

I want to join in too! Damn you, Xun Yu!

HAHA, you perverts who thought Xun Yu was doing something else… She’s just licking her toes… Oh wait, never mind.

Xiahou Dun came in and obviously did not like sharing Cao Cao to anyone, so she got just a tad jealous when she reported about the killing of the bandits. You know, I wonder if my eyepatch moe love for Chihiro will be destroyed by a future situation if they did follow the historical procedure. Those who know the ROTK will know what is coming very soon, but I will leave those who are not hanging because I will complain about it in due time.

Finally, it’s me again! Miss me? (Impz: Not really.)

The next day, Zhang Fei and Ma Chao decided to relax after carrying some goods as part of their job (they are strong and stupid after all). Ma Chao saw Cao Cao parading in the street, and in an outburst of sexuality and feminism, she decided that it is time for the reckoning.

I cannot tolerate someone stealing my limelight so easily, Cao Cao!

Let’s now try to describe the following summary part in the style of a romantic smut fanfic. Ma Chao declared that Cao Cao killed her father, and went on to attack the hot lithe body of Cao Cao with passion and desire. Xiahou Dun intervened, as she has to protect her master from the piercing pain of the spear. Zhang Fei, realizing that Ma Chao cannot assault and devour the beautiful and honorable Cao Cao, tried to stop her by holding her. Eventually, Ma Chao was captured by Cao Cao’s troops for *ahem* more punishment *ahem*.

I just realize that I am definitely out of a job if I try to be an erotic smut writer. Sigh.

This little brat tried to capture screen time against my Cao Cao. Teach her some freaking manners.

For those who do not know the history of Ma Teng, Ma Chao and Cao Cao, here is a tidbit of fact. Ma Teng and Han Sui were fighting with each other for territories, despite being cousins. Cao Cao, who at this point had decisively defeated Yuan Shao at the Battle of Guandu, brokered peace between Ma Teng and Han Sui, who then pledged allegiance to Cao Cao.

After this, Ma Teng was summoned to Ye with most of his family, where his military position was taken away. His eldest surviving son Ma Chao remained behind in Liangzhou with Han Sui. When Ma Chao and Han Sui defied Cao Cao and took up arms against him, Ma Teng, along with every member of his family that accompanied him, was executed. After that execution, Ma Chao continued to attempt an uprising against Cao Cao, but failed when Han Sui and him started to mistrust each other with Jia Xu’s plot.

Sigh, you will be sold because you are the weakest link. Never steal screentime unless allowed by the director, bitch.

The tribal council has chosen… You are next, Guan Yu.

Of course, Guan Yu cannot be voted out. She is in fact meeting up with Cao Cao to discuss the release of Ma Chao. Obviously, Cao Cao wanted to explain her Wei brothel, and a dark haired beauty will always have a nice place in her heart. Nonetheless, Cao Cao knew that it is quite hard to keep Guan Yu with her, and hence decided to have a night of passion. Yes, you want your Ma Chao, you better give me your virginity.

I feel so sorry, Guan Yu and Cao Cao, for even writing that. You must be trying so hard to bury yourself into the ground. That said, I am strangely excited for this. Am I turning into an ecchi loving fanboy? No, whoever dares to comment, “Join the Kanokon crowd” will turn into a trap. AN UGLY ONE. One that will have pock marks on their forehead and absolutely not moe. Die, punks.

I can finally see the dark hair under you…

My first time… will be tonight.

And I feel so fricking wrong saying that.

You are so smooth down there (and this is actual dialogue during this particular scene)

You are not allowed to have sex with Cao Cao. She’s mine!

Of course, as usual with any cockblocking show (as Hinano will attest to with her ZnT entries), an assassin appears just when Cao Cao is going to commence with hot yuri sex. I can almost hear the groans of fanboys all around the world who have not watched this scene. I assure you, I feel a complex feeling of relief and anticipation during the cockblocking.

I think Cao Cao is very hot. That’s why. Better if green-haired, but I don’t mind yellow.

I can understand why you gals want my attention so much. I just have such a hot nubile body.

I am so jealous of your hot lithe body, Cao Cao. You have dishonored me!

Cao Cao allowed freedom for Ma Chao, since Guan Yu saved her from the assassination. On the way to the caged Ma Chao, Xiahou Dun told Guan Yu the truth of Ma Teng’s death. Of course, this is Koihime and not a historical portrayal of ROTK. Hence, the story is twisted in which Ma Teng was not actually killed by Cao Cao, but he died during a drunk night where he fell off the horse. For a warrior of renown, dying due to falling off a horse is considered a huge dishonor and begged Cao Cao to hide the truth.

You know, this is actually a good change to the story that makes for some realism. In ancient times, it is in fact a dishonor to fall off a horse. As horses are important commodities (remember, there are no cars then), a general or warlord always uses a good horse for fighting and dueling. Without good horsemanship, a warrior is nothing. I am decently pleasant to hear of such a story, which makes Cao Cao a better guy gal than what the normal ROTK will portray him of.

Of course, I am great. I am Cao Cao the great, even in female form. (Impz: Yes, madam!)

My sword is mightier than your … wait what?

So, Guan Yu told Ma Chao but she could not accept it. She called Xiahou Dun a liar, and Xiahou Dun was insulted due to the pride of a warrior. They then had a duel. However, it was clear from the calm stance of Dun that she was not lying, and Ma Chao realized it was the truth that Cao Cao tried to protect the honor of her father.

I actually like how they made the Wei faction much cooler than the portrayal of the Wei faction in the ROTK. It might be because of my inherent bias and admiration for a warrior like Cao Cao and Cao Pi, but they just seem more fitting.

No, don’t kick me out of the script. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bye bye, loser.

As expected, the attention loli whore Zhang Fei (or Rin rin for all you sick freaks who watch this for the loli fanservice) decided that it is way too much for the huge mammalian creatures to dominate the screen. It is a sad thing that they DO occupy too much space sometimes, which is why Zhang Fei decided to use power against power.

Today, our harem member to capture is Ma Chao from Liangzhou, the north-western part of China. Liangzhou (modern day Wuwei) was famous in the Three Kingdoms Era for their wild horses that gallops in the huge plains and the strong horsemen who were well trained to calm down these beasts. If you know your geography well, Liangzhou borders on Mongolia, a place with huge plains that requires horse-riding to get to anywhere.

Anyway, no one reading this cares about cool history. So let’s go and have some hate love on Episode 3.

Hence, since I will be defeated by Cao Cao eventually, I might as well squeeze in some fanservice for anyone who cares. Hey, at least TRY TO LOOK. Damn you faggots who are only interested in “PROPER HEROES.”

Yuan Shao, the northern warlord who led the coalition to attack Dong Zhuo in 190 AD, is portrayed as a blonde (aka bimbo). I am not sure if the directors know what they are doing, but Yuan Shao was known as a pure-blooded noble that was proud of his lineage. I think anything goes, and yes he did not consider Cao Cao to be of noble blood. Anyway, for the story, Cao Cao demanded an audience for kicking some bandit butt with her hot lithe body (I am so brainwashed whenever I talk about Cao Cao), and told Yuan Shao to stop shoving her brain into the bath.

We are Wen Chou and Yan Liang, and we are so useless that we look totally generic. Oh, woe to side characters!

Sadly, Wen Chou and Yan Liang, who are rather famed generals, become flower vases in this show. I guess that there must be some random dumb subordinates to make Cao Cao look good. I mean, Cao Cao is the only female bastard offspring of this anime that I approve of.

In the historical text, Cao Cao was one of the minor warlords (he was not of noble birth, not as much as Yuan Shao anyway) that followed Yuan Shao in the inquisition of Dong Zhuo). Cao Cao, on the hand, scoffs at Yuan Shao as he felt that Yuan Shao did not know humility enough to understand the usage of men. Cao Cao believes that a man’s nurture and character is important, but talent is paramount to anything. A virtuous man is useless in a war without having any other talents.

Hah, wussies. There’s too many DFC and huge boobs in this series. The small breasted me wins!

Oh no! My small role in this anime is over! It’s a oxymoron joke, get it? Sigh, I just cannot get your attention!

Cao Cao simply MOCKED to the feeble comments (not to mention lame) of the obviously-made-to-be-not-important side characters in Koihime and left, adding that she will be clearing out more bandits for the fun of it.

That said, Cao Cao due to his lack of noble blood (not like Yuan Shao and Kong Rong who had the golden platter handed to them) was often involved in pursuing bandits during the Yellow Turban Revolution. That earned him the respect, and I guess Koihime was trying somehow to refer to that. Or perhaps, it’s merely to give Yuan Shao some purpose for non-important fanservice.

Oh, nice girls over there. I wonder if I can get them to MY brothel instead.

Cao Cao saw the girls and found Guan Yu interesting, when she passed by them on the streets. Oh, she also complimented on the beautiful dark hair of Guan Yu, aka Aisha as given by the lame creators of the game in order to make them cuter. Sigh.

On serious business, this is somewhat reflective of the admiration of Guan Yu in the historical and novel versions of the Three Kingdoms era. I am probably over-analyzing it too much, but since Koihime is meant to be taken as a total joke, I am fully allowed to over-interpret, over-analyze and over-scrutinize it like a douche bag.

Hey Zhao Yun, I know you refused to be a prostitute, but now we are leered at dirty otakus now!

As they need to pay for their uptake, they decided to go to a meido cafe. Nonetheless, what is wrong with the meido cafe when there is no one trying to pull the skirt, leer at the hot chicks at hand or try to at least molest them? This is a freaking brainless ecchi show, so try to fit the bill here!

Hey, I am useless and stupid and impulsive. Wanna join Group Loser?

Zhang Fei, due to her inability to do absolutely anything, went away and found Ma Chao who was here to participate in a fighting competition. Zhang Fei said that she would win it in order to get the cash, but Ma Chao added that she would win it.

As usual, some novel tidbits were strangely coincidental in this anime. Ma Chao’s first encounter with the Shu army is actually with Zhang Fei in the battle of Jiameng. The two men fought like tigers for long periods on two occasions with no signs of either one gaining an upper hand. Zhuge Liang then made a ploy to make Liu Zhang distrust Ma Chao, while an envoy was used to persuade him. In fear of his current fragile situation, Ma Chao defected to the Shu faction.

And I never expected to see a bigger loser right here. Big is nothing!

Wrong, little lady. BIG is everything. See me own this green haired gal (Impz: Noooooo!)

See, being big occupies more screen space and time. There is no place for you, little attention whore.

As expected, when the two girls joined the competition, they kicked every single one’s ass. I mean, this is a show with a deus ex machina plot that refuses to surprise you with great complexity. You should be happy when they try to make it feel like there is a plot somehow.

Oh yeah? I will show you that small is the new BIG!

So they are finally in the final and started to fight in order to get whatever reward that they are supposed to get.

Boring. Boring. Boring. Look at me and focus your attention only on me. (Impz: No joke, she said something like that as well in the anime during the scene here. It’s like she is even worse than the little slut known as Rin Rin)

Hah, that’s because ALL THE ATTENTION IS UPON ME. Bestow me the love, people!

How many times must I remind you? BIG IS ALWAYS BETTER.

You… you didn’t tell me we have an audience listening to what I am saying! Hazukashii~

Honestly, while they fought, Zhang Fei suddenly had a growl in her stomach. Zhao Yun also growled as it was clear both of them were quite hungry. Yuan Shao called this duel to be a draw and proclaimed them winners. While she tried valiantly to get some attention, the crowd simply disappeared. That will teach the side character a lesson in anime: When you are a side character in a harem show, NO ONE FRICKING CARES.

No, I cannot join your harem. I am a main character, you side character bitch.

Yuan Shao invited our heroes to her squad, shocking her close aides. They decided to device a plan to get rid of the two new ones. They wanted to plan a very hard mission for them, but Yuan Shao decided to have an internal competition to see who would be better fit as the aides beside her. Obviously, we know who would be the winner. If you still cannot tell, your intelligence level is lower than 34 points. Yes, lower than Wen Chou.

Oh, what huge bananas you have, Grandma.

They have some really stupid competitions. It’s divided into intelligence, looks and martial arts. I like the funny reference about Wen Chou having 34 intelligence points. If you do not catch that reference, I think it is likely to be a comment on his intelligence on the Koei strategy game, Romance of the Three Kingdoms. Ma Chao, Zhang Fei, Wen Chou, Yan Liang were very low intelligence warriors in that game.

The ugliest Megane Loli ever in an anime harem show. Where’s our Megane fetish girl?

I don’t know. I prefer the attention to me, *blush blush*

Wen Chou’s group won the intelligence part due to the fact that Zhang Fei and Ma Chao were so dumb. I mean it. Even Narutards might possess higher intelligence. Maybe.

Why? I saw Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha and it was a hot hit with the guys. These people have NO taste.

Honestly, I would choose this outfit to win immediately compared to that lame effort of the dumb team. Well, as expected, the deus ex machina plot rocks on to have a tie. Of course, if you notice clearly, the fanservice quota in this series is surprisingly low for a comedy ecchi show. That is not right, but do not fret. They are leaving the best (aka the most blatant fanservice) for the last.

We are naked now. Hear us roar with GREAT FANSERVICE!

Now, this is why Koihime goes from borderline funny to extreme ridiculous and capricious lameness. I mean, who in the right mind would make the martial arts competition a naked sumo wrestling contest with a swan float? You can either call it very dumb, or very stupid, or very retarded and …I run out of negative words to say. My IQ is not much higher than 34, after all.

We won with our bodies… not. I guess being generic means being naked will not get much attention.

Of course, the girls were too embarrassed to have that competition and left.

Hah, Guan Yu, see our newest harem member!

New Harem member, Ma Chao, reporting for duty. So, four out of five Tiger generals have already been captured. I guess we should have our MILF Huang Zhong soon as the next capture. Stay tuned up to then!

Due to the fact that I am very spiteful that many of my favorite historical/fictional heroes have been mutilated into lolis, MILF and huge breasted bishoujos, the second series I am going to blog will be Koihime. It is also known as the show with no between, because it is either that the females are flat and short, or that you can actually use the boobs as a footrest.

Anyway, we continue the story where Guan Yu and Zhang Fei (there is no way I am going to use the Japanese names for the characters) decided to have their jade flower agreement and conquer all the different assortment of fighting big breasted bishoujos/MILFs and DFC lolis in this world. When you catch them all, this collection of an all female harem will result in the most powerful brothel of the world: Romance of the Three Koihime-crap.

Next harem target: Zhao Yun, one of the five tiger generals, who has turned into another cleavage bouncing blue haired bishoujo.

This is not Diao Chan. I repeat, this is not Diao Chan. This is actually Guan Yu, the red faced warrior of righteousness and loyalty beautified. I wonder if how historical fans of RoTK will take to this bosom.

So, our happy sworn sisters vowed to find a master that is worthy of them, but in actual fact, they just want to collect a harem filled with the goodness of China. As usual, it is perhaps hard for them to fathom that they need a certain thing called a guy in order to somehow attract the opposite sex.

Nonetheless, this anime happily ignores the fact about a heterosexual relationship and simply plugs everyone in the RoTK world into girls so that they can sell more merchandise than Kanon (dream on). The director also assumes that all girls are somehow hard yuri toward each other, which is why the alpha female, Guan Yu, is portrayed in her greatness.

What? I have transformed into a huge blob of boobs without any brains? Arghhh! Guuurgh!

They stumbled onto a place where they found a detestable man guarding the gate to another harem member. Guess who this courageous stupid imitation koihime crap woman was?

Fire in the hole! No pun intended.

So, they find their harem member in the form of honorable fighter Zhao Yun. Blue haired, huge boobs, they will definitely create a fury of terror with lecherous men. Now, when will we have an onsen episode where everyone will share some random bath and have stupid ecchi scenes?

In the historical text, Zhao Yun was a young officer that is under Gongsun Zan.

No, I am not here to steal your only harem member!

They randomly came to this town and was called up by Gongsun Zun to an audience. There, they fought hard mentally as Gongsun Zun knew that her only harem member was about to be stolen. Without huge boobs or a DFC loli trying to pierce her spear and creating tons of drilled holes, Gongsun Zun knew that her days of seeing a huge chest every week were numbered.

Yes, I want you. Since Gongsun Zun has no personality, huge boobs or DFC, she is unwanted by me.

Interesting. So, you like my huge boobs. How can I be sure that you are worthy of it?

Zhao Yun was unsure about the strength of the two and decided to challenge Guan Yu. As usual, they got to stretch out the episode for this haughty behavior. I mean, seriously, will you think Gongsun Zun has any chance of cockblocking… wait, they are women… Awkward. Well, anyway, you know what I am trying to say.

You are right. I will make sure you are convinced with my womanly curves.

Come on! Strut your stuff!

No way I am allowing you to monopolize screen time! Considering that we will have tons of women in this series, there is no way in hell that I am not taking over the screen time for the first few episodes before other viewers find cuter lolis to love!

For your insolence, I am bursting your silicon bags!

I am really tired of the many portrayals by modern day RoTK-themed anime and drama that portrays Zhang Fei as a drunkard that knows only brute strength. If you notice, all modern interpretations of Zhang Fei shows him or her in this case as a character that only knows how to scream and shout, and attacks with sheer barbarian strength.

Yes, Zhang Fei is a very strong warrior. However, in historical text, he was known to be a scholar that had a keen interest in drawing and artistry. In fact, from historical evidence, it could be speculated that Zhang Fei was an avid scholar of poetry and enjoyed writing poems while sipping his wine after a battle.

Of course, in this anime, Zhang Fei just wields her weapon and wildly attacks. When Zhang Fei got frustuated by Zhao Yun, she wanted to use her special move (charged enough power as usual for Musou) but was stopped by Guan Yu as Guan Yu wanted to show her love instead.

Can you see my red hot passion of love to you? JOIN ME NOW!

Guan Yu simply stole there and started to show her aura. It is said that the real Guan Yu had an aura that can intimidate enemies easily. In the novel (fiction), there was a scene where Guan Yu was circled by Sun Quan. After he was killed by overwhelming forces, he continued to stand tall without falling on the floor. No one from the Wu faction dared to get close to him for 4 hours in fear of being struck down by this proud warrior.

Gongsun Zun knew she lost. Owned.

Hmm… you are so good…

After Zhao Yun verified Guan Yu’s strength, they decided to hide in a wagon and be captured by the bandits in order to enter their lair. Of course, due to their huge boobs and asses, they were unable to bring any weapons in the small wooden container. No, I am not lying about this because this is what they exactly said for lacking in weapons. They only have a small dagger as a weapon, so you can clearly tell how much space their freaking boobs took.

Yes, it took that much space in the wagon.

Hahah, random woman A’s boob always has to be big. My god, this is really “the show of no between”

How dare you take my commoner harem member!

They infiltrated the camp and found that the bandit leader was about to sexually assault one of the villagers. Guan Yu, being the impulsive retard that did not remember that her weapon was not around as her boobs was so big, charged in to take her harem member.

Let’s grab these harem members and run! Wait, why are there little boys too?

Hint: It starts with T, and ends with P.

Look at how long this is!

Anyway, they found themselves at a dead cliff end. As usual, the deus ex machina plot comes in, as Zhang Fei somehow finds them, chops down a tree without any effort and makes a temporary bridge to them. Their commoner harem members were now slowly transported into the brothel of RoTK.

Yes, more screentime. Shower your attention to me please!

Let’s make some holes!

As expected, the two kicked ass and demolished the bandits. After that, Zhao Yun decided to leave with the two. She explained that Gongsun Zun had the heart but did not have the ability to unify China.

I am the General of Baima, feared by no one but dumb barbarians!

Gongsun Zan is one of the warlords in the northern part of China during the Three Kingdoms era, and he wa famous for his white horse cavalry. It is known to strike fear during one of his attempts to eradicate the barbarians at the near proximity of his stronghold. Actually, the white horse cavalry was not exactly famed, but it is because the barbarians have huge respect for white horses. They considered them to be sacred and refused to kill such pure beings.

I was really just tsundere for you, Guan Yu.