If only that fucker Soran listened when he was little…

March 8th, 2308 with Army Group Trinity in full retreat the Allied Offensive in North Africa was going as planned. While Hauptmann Johann was focused on conducting a fighting withdrawal it was to a commando raid by the famed Leutnant Biage that finally defeated the last remnants of CB power on Earth. As Grofaz Sumeragi was reeling from Oberst Katie’s assault Aeolia Schenberg emerged from his sleep of 200 years…

(By the way eye protection is highly recommenced..)

Judging by his expression Tieira knows that a penetration is imminent…

Prelude

Despite his grievous wounding at the hands of Patrick Lockon adamantly refused treatment and stormed off to the waiting room to console his beloved Tieria. While their relationship was doomed from the start neither Lockon nor Tieria would relent in laying on the innuendo for stalker Feldt. Feldt felt touched that Lockon was being nice to every one she just hoped that Lockon would be especially nice to her to, though events would lead to her heart break and entry into fujoshihood, as she was to be selected to be the flower girl for the wedding of Lockon and Tieria.

No your eyes do not deceive you that is not Lockon’s twin borther… (I told you to wear goggles)

Despite their superiority in mobile suits the CB medical corps was most lacking often having to field blinded made men like Dr. Moreau as surgeons. More bad news was to come as apparently Dynames had really fallen to Patrick’s might being put out of action for three weeks. With the forces of Sumeragi checked for the time being the Allies finally made public the existence of the GN-Xs though by now it was already an open secret. Nevertheless Aker wad finally hit with the cudgel of reason and expedited the integration of a GN-Tau Drive with his Flag.

So I guess you saw the wedding pictures too eh?

Taking full advantage of Oberst Katie’s raid on the Potemayo, Oberstleutnant Sergei continued hounding Johann through the scrublands of North Africa. To minimize losses he simply used his forces to force Johann to expend what little ammunition and energy reserves he had. Without a base of operations Johann knew that he had to get back into space. Unfortunately Ms. Wang had proved incompetent, for she had been dreaming of change, rather than monitor the situation or give Johann any advance warning of the Allied plans to wipe them out. Johann would have little time to voice his regrets and lamentation at Ms. Wang’s philosophical masturbation.

Hurry up Soma and get a kill you can still beat out Aker if you cut off Nena’s arms!

Despite rabid opposition from every service the Allied Forces were compelled by their political masters to televise their operations live giving their enemies an insight into their intentions. Sumeragi’s forces were divided over what to do. Some advocated conserving what little strength they still had, but Lockon and Setsuna complained and raged incessantly about ending war. Sumeragi shrinking from her responsibilities yet again approved of a rescue operation to save Johann’s forces despite the fact that the Allies were only defending themselves from a known terrorist threat that could no longer be tolerated.

It’s always those Ork Armor Plates with that blasted +6 save for vehicles. Soma and got 12 on her roll of 2D6+8 for armor penetration too…

While Lockon and the Kurdi Kid felt justified in saving war criminals as terrorist solidarity proved stronger than human decency. Where as most sane people acknowledged the necessity of hounding the Trinities until they were destroyed, neither Sumeragi nor her forces ever appreciated the Allied obligation to protect their people from the Gundam menace. Clearly Sumeragi felt no guilt about the massacre at Sargossa. Sticking to her Jomini roots Sumeragi sent Ersatz Jesus off with 64 MB of plans to see him through. While the situation was ever in flux Sumeragi was confident that her forecasts would prove true despite ample evidence to the contrary.

Commanders

Its the meisters who suck.

Leutnant Gailey Biage (Ali al Sarshes)

Often cited as the AEU’s most elite commando Ali was no stranger to warfare having led the Kurdistani struggle against the might of Azadistan’s military only a decade before. Hardened by that war Ali joined the French Foreign Legion to get a new start on life as a mercenary. Longing to die by the last bullet in the last war Ali nevertheless was a master at economy of force having never carried out a massacre of his own and his occasional brutality towards the enemy paled in comparison to the terrorist actions of Celestial Being. Despite not being designated as a pilot for one of the coveted AEU GN-Xs Ali nevertheless continued to fight for the Allies in his custom Enact. Often given the most tactical freedom of any Allied pilot Ali served the Allies as an advance scout tracking down enemies and giving support to Allied forces where ever possible. Many Allied forces would later speak highly of unanticipated Ali support in the face of CB Meisters. For his daring raid against Trinity, Ali would later earn his THAT Knight’s Cross of the Iron Cross for his bold operation.

Lockon is Boss! Though not nearly as great as Big Boss.

Meister Sestuna F. Seiei (Lockon’s Shouta, Ersatz Jesus, Kurdi Kid)

One of the most hated pilots to ever sit at the controls of a Gundam Lockon’s Shouta was infamous for killing off his family to see God. While Kurdistan fell after his cowardly retreat that collapsed Ali’s defense network, the coward still had the nerve to blame everything on his former superior. It was said that whenever he got a paper cut he would blame Ali. Never one to take responsibility as a human being Ersatz Jesus relentlessly pursued his desired godhood believing himself destined to pass judgment on all mankind as he fervently believed that emo teenagers are the most rational and fair people in the world. Later labeled as a disgrace to Kurds every where of all the meisters only the Kurdi Kid fell the deepest into the madness of Aeolia’s pet schemes. Like all meisters his tactical abilities left much to be desired and his piloting skills were sub par. Relying more on hax and plot armor it is often said that had he possessed neither Patirck would have kicked his ass in episode 1. Despite his faults Sumeragi lavished her favorite boy toy with the best equipment often favoring him as demonstrated by numerous gifts such as the GN Arms, Trans-am, and numerous replacement blades and shields.

Opposing Plans

The Allies

Katie doing her hair is fine too.

Knowing now that Trinity’s Gundams were running out of fuel, Allied High Command gave the go ahead to Ali to conduct a commando raid to destroy and possibly capture a Gundam. The Allies only anticipated negligible assistance to the Trinity Gundams by Sumeragi forces as Oberst Katie could easily assault the Potemayo if she sent her forces to Earth. Ali planned to use his former mercenary career as a cover to get as close as possible to Johann’s camp. There he would count on their desperation for aid to maintain the deception until time was right. Knowing that meisters often relied on Gundams only; he wagered that as a mercenary he would have the edge in a pistol duel. Ali knew that he would have to go in alone as a larger force would inevitably rouse suspicions. Most importantly if surprise could be maintained then Ali was confident that he could succeed.

Celestial Being

You mean melonpan…

Setsuna quickly threw out the USB thumb drive with Sumeragi’s plans and planned merely to link up with the Trinities and have a cup of tea with them as he apologized for his previous attacks on them. He had no idea how to effectively use Lassie so he simply planned to drop by declare that he is Gundam and wade through the mass of peons that might be there. Confident that his plan or lack there of was utterly brilliant he proceeded directly towards Johann’s camp ready to have Nena glomp him for being G Savior Gundam.

The Battle

Yes, funny how that applies to all HAZMAT.

At 14:19 Ali arrived at some island in the Atlantic ocean where Johann had made camp. Approaching alone he used light signals to gain permission to land right in front of the entirety of Johann’s force. Cautious as ever Johann ordered Nena back into her Gundam in case of a possible ambush. Asking Ali about who sent Him Johann made the mistake of mentioning Lagna. Understanding that the Trinities were without support and no headquarters to update them in a timely manner Ali fired off the first shot from the hip at point blank at 15:03, he hit Michael right in the chest piecing his heart. Taking advantage of the initial surprise Ali pressed home his advantage and rapidly gained the upper hand over Johann. At 15:44 Ali had already cracked CB’s pathetic password as it had not been changed in 90 days. All Ali had to do was to push the big red knob and he was good to go.

You forgot to mention pwning Louise and Saji, and for that I will miss you.

Despite a spirited defense by Johann while Nena looked on without firing a shot, Ali was able to wear down Johann. By 16:38 Johann was shot down in a spectacular explosion of bits of flesh and particles. By 17:02 Ali was about to deal the killing blow to Nena and claim named character kill number 5, but an intervention by Setsuna, many hours too late for Michael and Johann, stopped the kill streak. Unable to T-bag Nena Ali rapidly recovered and proceeded to dominate the Kurdi Kid while at only 30% power. Ersatz Jesus found himself completely out matched and only the very delayed attack by Lassie at 19:23 offered a brief respite in Ali’s relentless assault. Ali fought off the assault with a few shots that sent Lassie running for his life with his tail firmly between his legs. Unfortunately at 20:07 due to Aeolia’s plot hax Exia was painted red and was able to move 1” faster enabling him to finally gain the upper hand against Ali. Such was Setsuna’s belief in Gundam that his Space Orc ancestry kicked in and the resulting Gestalt Psychic field enabled him to move faster and get a 5+ invulnerable save in addition to his 0+ plot armor save.

Oh good grief its Strike Rouge again…

Flushed with victory Setsuna decided to pose with his new red paint job from 20:34 to 20:48 when Ali tried one last counterattack. Now that Exia’s power level was over 9000 Setsuna contented himself with pounding Ali without delivering a killing blow despite his ample opportunity to. Deciding at last to finish this Ersatz Jesus tried to rapture Ali, but thanks to Ali’s inclusion of armored plates, a successful roll of +6 armor save with a D6 allowed Ali to escape. Despite being 3 times faster Setsuna chose to consolidate over nothing than to purse and massacre his foe, for he rolled snake eyes.

The Aftermath

Despite Exia’s ultimate victory through plot hax the Allies were able to count Ali’s daring raid as a strategic victory. Not only did they gain a new Gundam, but had forced CB to reveal one more miracle upgrade before the final battle. Knowing that Sumeragi had few cards left to play and that any more would simply be cheating the Allies prepared to marshal their forces against the only known CB carrier. It was also learned that Lassie could easily be fought off by a main character who fired in his general direction as Ali amply demonstrated.

Insert obligatory three times faster remark, here.

Not only did Ali walk away with a valuable weapon Army Groups Trinity was no longer a viable fighting force with 2/3s of their forces dead and their leader turned to dust. With the HRL GN-X squadron now free the Allies were able to force a large scale battle in which they hoped to force CB into a full retreat and maintain the initiative.

Impression

The LockonxtTeiria thing was overly long and mind numbingly boring. I don’t want to see the Meister banter on about nonsense about losing their will to fight. Not sure what Feldt is up to but I can’t wait to see her in tears when Ali guts Lockon in front of everyone. When that happens Patrick can claim one assisted kill. I really dislike having upgrades in such short succession. Just last week we had fucking Lassie rear his ugly head and now they get to move faster again. I am still not sure why they can’t make those loser meisters better pilots. Heck they don’t even train, but go off emoing during their breaks. Worst of all the most annoying Setsuna is given all the upgrades first. What the heck has Haptism been doing? It been forever and a day, since we last saw Hallelujah the rapist got nuts…Also supposing that Setsuna was able to go to the Trinity camp before Ali arrived to kick their asses; what Michael is going to give Setsuna a hug or something? It would make sense if Sumeragi wanted to increase the number of units at her disposal in the interest of survival, but no it has to be a fucking Setsuna self discovery quest.

Help him Obi Wan Kenobi Sumeragi your his only hope. I also see that Aeolia only owned a single set of clothes…and one chair.

As for Setsuna trying to develop as a character I found it aggravating. Oh Trinity is causing war and the UN is wrong to fight Trinity because its war. WTF so if the Trinity starts killing civilians, even if they were Louise’s family, then the UN is in the wrong for trying to defend themselves? The Allies did not even start the war CB did when they intervened on Patrick. So I guess the fucking message the Kurdi Kid has for us is when invaded roll out the red carpet for your invader…great. I suppose Setsuna is not increasing the amount of warfare because he is Gundam. This why I fucking hate the protagonists; they all suck and come to the stupidest conclusions. None of them has actually become a better pilot since the series started, this to me is sad. I can only hope that there will be no more super weapons any more. Every time the Allies get some measure of parity CB gets something ten times better. I wouldn’t be surprised if Trans-am relegates the GN-X back to the role of cannon fodder.

Great now the fate of the world is in the hands of a coward, a drunk whore, a stalker loli, and guy with no balls. We’re fucked…

I found the Aeolia thing to be a silly affair. Oh I have this entire group of people who worshipped me and were kind enough to freeze just me so that I alone can see my dream come true. He gets a glitzy tomb with no traps or any indication that life was even there. You would think that Aeolia would have put in some traps to protect his tomb from accidental looters but no not a single bottomless pit or big gigantic rolling boulder ala Indiana Jones. Well now that he has had his “I see that every one else is stupid and am going to give people who I don’t know the equivalent of WMD to fulfill my wishes…” I have to say the man has made some leap of faith. You’d think that the guy who was a genius would have had the sense to only recruit the best that humanity had to offer, but alas Aeolia is just as dumb if not dumber than the rest of us uncultured non-genius warmongering peasants.

Well at least Sergei and Soma were doing well. The circle formation was superbly silly in my opinion, but hey if they needed all round fire then trying out an aerial version of the British Square is fine by me. Still Ali is finally back and kicked serious ass. I cheered when Michael was shot in the chest by Ali with his pistol at the hip. It seemed more realistic and less over powered that Ali merely hit him in the chest rather than the head. I have practiced doing that kind of quick draw at short range, it is wildly inaccurate, but at the right distance you can get three shots in less then five second s in a man’s torso. I have only ever gotten one head shot with that method and it was a fluke, a cool fluke but still a fluke.

Wait a minute you can’t pray to yourself… Yes, eradicating war by waging war. I can see how Aeolia is a genius look at that impeccable selection of pilots, a pirate with no monkey, a chick with no tits, and a guy who gets headaches whenever his arch nemesis appears.

It really says something when the villains start becoming the main attraction in a series. It is a testament that the writers have failed at delivering and developing one protagonist that the entire audience can empathize with. I really dislike how the writers have made Setsuna dull as bricks and yet try and push him on us like he’s tragic. It is the same pretension that emo characters are deep and complex that makes nudity “mature.” That’s why I like the villains. Being a villain is simple Ali has a pathological need to kill and wants to die from the last bullet of the last war, so he does go about his business by being evil and never ever has a moral crisis. He doesn’t question himself at ever step, he has a goal he decides what he is going to do and he does it. It was good to see Oberst Katie putting up her hair though having Patrick around should be mandatory.

I am the Truly Random Asinine New System - Arschlecker Meister, TRANS-AM if you prefer; I am the prototype of the Gundam of the future. What you saw was merely superior production line model, I am a pale copy of the original, Windows ME.

Well I hope that they plan on having Graham see some action soon because Patrick is still number two in the pecking order second only to Ali. It would be interesting to see How Ali will act around Sergei, Soma, Patrick, Katie, and Aker. I hope they get in some more conversation before the lasers start flying. Judging by the preview I hope Lockon gets killed by Ali. I don’t want Lockon to continue pampering Tieria and Setsuna. Its high time Lockon died and Feldt cries again. Lockon gets mauled by Patrick and yet one day later gets back up just fine. Still good to see that Aker was hit by the cudgel of logic and has decided to install a GN drive to his Flag. Now that the Meisters get yet another upgrade a standard Flag would not last long for the kind of ass kicking Graham is going have to deliver to beat out Ali. Still not sure why Graham was sitting around while the refit was completed when he could have gone out and help Daryl fight against the Gundams in the previous episode. Aker is not an engineer to what was so important that he had to sit one out?

Johann sure picked a bad ally in Ms. Wang one would have assumed the child prostitute would have been able play spy and actually be of use to Johann. An early warning would have helped as would have a contingency plan to get the Trinity siblings off the Earth in case the UN decided to hunt them down in revenge.

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