Saving the world from Panamanian nukes is hard. Watching Romeo on the other hand is harder because I can’t shoot at him…

So after getting full motion back in my jaw even if only just to eat with a bit of pain, I took some time to catch up on my favorite finger to English Literature class. It also doesn’t help that I was sucked into a temporal anomaly and now in this most desperate hour I must launch a blitzkrieg upon all that I have missed. I also just finish Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2 so it was high time I took a break from saving the world.

So Juliet is lamenting the fact that she is of the House of Capulet charged with restoring herself to the throne of Neo-Verona. Suffice to say moping and weeping is unbecoming of the Red Whirlwind. Thankfully a dai pinchi snaps her out of her rut. She goes forth to save the poor doctor who was captured as a rebel. Unfortunately Romeo steals her thunder and saves her and the good doctor instead, not that she needed saving, that chauvinist prick. Oh and the good duke has some sort of tree that gives him the ultimate power in the universe, I suggest he use it. Alas he should not be so proud of this organic terror, the power to grow narcotics is insignificant compared to the power of the force reverse trap. I find the Duke’s tree hugging very disturbing… Lastly we have a coot off between old man-at-arms of yonder House of Capulet and William’s mom. At this point as love is thrown about like some cheap trick, the old folks will probably end up together…

Superfluous flying steed 100,000 dollars. Dreary weather 10,000 dollars. Copping more than a fee, priceless. There are somethings that oppressing the poor cannot buy, but for everything else there is just being a scumbag.

More woe besets poor Juliet as she learns the painfully contrived truth that her love is in fact the son of the man who murdered her family. More lamenting and longing ensues while Romeo gets a well placed one in a million slap in the face. Juliet then runs away for a bit putting behind her Red Mage job while Montague troops conduct a manhunt. Romeo dallies with his mum ranting about loverly flowers in his imitation of Oedipus of Thebes. Since Romeo had trained his horse thing to sniff out women it leads him right to Juliet. Sure enough like a Ferrari it becomes his chick magnet.

Juliet falls for the “my horse wants you to ride” trick and it whisks them right into a rain storm and then to a lone hut with broken tower. Romeo starts stripping under the pretext of drying his clothes and asks Juliet to to do likewise. Suffice to say she wisely waits for him to leave before drying herself off sadly she forgot to close the door…

Romeo “trips” over Juliet while playing hero “saving” her from a “roaring” fire. While averting a few third degree burns he tries to cop a feel and stares mutely while poor Juliet is at a loss for words. After burning his gasoline soaked shirt, Juliet gives him the +0 cloak of non-nakedness. While Juliet is making a handkerchief the Duke has declared martial law and the peasants are forced to accept rationing. Montague is squeezing harder to get the Red Whirlwind, just like he so mightily squishes soft fruits.

I personally crush grape for every drop of my wine. All one million of them, I crush fruits. So drink my wine, Montague’s Merlot or I will break you!

The friar is exposed by the doctor who is bound by some form of a Hippocratic oath. The doctor takes it upon himself to set things right. He finds out who the Red Whirlwind is and sets off on his mission. Juliet finally comes to her senses and charges desperately to play hero. Curio smites her to the ground declaring that her love of a nobleman has made her blind to the recent developments, Juliet’s infatuation will be paid for in blood. The doctor makes his final farewell and dons the mantle of the Red Whirlwind.

So the good doctor aptly named Lancelot frees the falsely accused and martyrs himself for the cause. Romeo is dismayed but quickly becomes over joyed when he sees Juliet still alive. Juliet then shows him up in a feat of manliness and removes her wig and drops to the next level with bravado. Romeo is left dumbstruck.

While the peasants are booing the military police the good Duke calls for a meeting of the House of Lords. As it is purely ceremonial the participants arrive reeking of booze. Benvolio’s dad opposes the extension of martial law and gets stripped of his rank for his insolence. Juliet and her elite guard meanwhile visit the family of the good doctor to make whatever amends they can while getting chicks along the way. At least one of them is.

Making things is so hard… It s finally done, my ultimate weapon. My +20 Boss Hat of Sneaky Hid’in. I am so not cutting this hair.

Meanwhile Benvolio says good by and he and his family make their way into exile. The Duke is not so forgiving and plans to have them assassinated. Juliet and her band of merry men get a tip off and race to the rescue. Unfortunately despite a good entrance the knife throwing dude disarms Juliet as he is about to deliver the Coup de Grace a man on a flying horse interrupts him. Thankfully it is a mysterious stranger and not that twit Romeo.

So we learn that the stranger is in fact Tybalt, who uses his twin swords to dispatch the would be assassins and then makes dramatic exit. Benvolio and his family learn that Juliet is indeed a girl and Benvolio over awes Cordelia with his underwhelming strength and infatuation with brooms. Since this is around the time of the Flower Festival, or as I call it: Really Pretentious Scam by the Florist Mafia Day, the city burst forth wit color. Hermoine offers to bring Romeo roses when they meet for the super special and super expensive fire works show that the Duke has arranged.

Behold the ultimate corporate holiday brought to you by Costra Flora. We do not exist really, we were never here. Allergies? Those don’t exist. Let’s go to the cement works to discuss this further…

So Juliet is dragged by her yuri play Emelia, and together they have a lovely yuri frolic through flowers. Sadly Juliet’s yuri pal elects to go with her gut, needless to say her judgment of men is sorely lacking. Romeo tell his mommy that he met a girl named Juliet and learns the terrible truth that she is his father…at least that is what I wanted. Needless to say he gets super emo. At the festival he spies upon Juliet and stalks her through out the whole thing until the fireworks show. What should have been a romantic event was made all the more delicious by having Hermione all by herself. Honestly if the girl brings the flowers it must be bad.

So after few very aggravating seconds the two love birds finally part ways. Romeo makes up a stupid excuse that he was riding his pony while standing up Hermione. The Duke says to kill the horse but Hermione saves the poor creature from becoming glue. Mercuitio tries to weasel is way in as a friend but gets shot down in short order.

Remember Romeo the oaks of vengeance sprout forth from the seeds of treachery. Here’s to more stabby Hermione. Where the heck is Rosaline any way?

Bevolio the retarded is getting use to rooming with Curio, and sends a letter right to Romeo telling him that he lives. The two stupid nobles meet in public and use their real names, gee the Tybalt Intel Network must be having a field day and laughing their collective butts off.

Juliet accepts her duty as the heir to the House of Capulet and dedicates herself to overthrowing the Montague oppressors. Tybalt shows up again and shows her but a fraction of his informant network. He reveals the Friar as a traitor, yet Juliet lets little thing like mercy cloud her judgment. Fortunately Tybalt finishes off the fat friar and steals his money.

Juliet is saddened and cries uncontrollably. Tybalt hugs her, when who should show up? Romeo of course…

Whoa…It’s like big and long and frilly. Oh Cordelia I was doing…let me explain.

Impression: Well at least this series is building up towards something rather than having Romeo hide behind shrubbery. I barely realized that Gonzo used a spell check and changed Willy’s name… At any rate things can go badly from here but I hope more blood letting occurs since this is a counter coup we are dealing with. I feel more sympathetic to Juliet the longer this drags on, despite her longing for Romeo. I can sort of understand her apprehension of actually killing someone, but the fat friar was asking for it. I hope she learns that since the rule of law is absent, justice can be delivered with fire and steel. I wonder when, if ever, will Romeo stop playing with his wandering hands and do more than just sit around waiting to be duke.

The Duke is not evil enough, he’s just arbitrary. Crushing grapes is nowhere near the pure win and awesome that was Vader force choking Admiral Ozzel in the Empire Strikes Back. I wonder how this tree plays into all of this since I can’t wait to see that they can possibly cook up. I also like how Juliet can throw knives with dead accurate lethality. I hope Tybalt teaches her all he knows and then the war for the throne can be even more bloody and cool. Still since this is supposed to be a tragedy I am glad that Romeo will die, though I hope Juliet lives. The most strange thing is that though there be fireworks nary a gun or grenade is to be found… Well here’s hoping for a cannon.

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